I think now is a good time to come as I am. Be honest. Tell the truth.
I'm momentarily not happy at the moment. Please take note of the word 'momentarily'. How can I be unhappy now? It's my dad's 45th birthday today. I should be automatically happy, and if not, be happy for his sake. But why not?
In the past, I've spoken about family issues occurring in my life right now. Sadly, things remain just as stressful and as mentally-tiring as they were when I wrote that previous post. Yet I remain hoping and hoping that I'll learn patience. At this point, I've already lost hope on the situation getting better itself, and the only thing I can do is to change myself and my perspectives.
However, I can say that I care less about this stuff now. I've learnt to become less selfish. But, even though I don't wanna admit it, I will because this is the truth and this is what's right. I'm still pissed off, I'm still stressed and I am still selfish. I get mad when my sister and I finally get the opportunity to watch TV in our living room during dinnertime, to watch Friends and How I Met Your Mother but my grandmother walks in, not saying anything, yet we know that her presence merely means "I wanna watch GMA. Change the channel now." I can count how many times my sister and I watched in our living room TV in the past two months. Five times. Once today. Once yesterday, because my grandparents weren't home. I even lay down on our couch, and it felt good because I haven't laid on that couch for almost three months now. I never used to lie on that couch because I didn't like it, but yesterday it felt good.
Yet whenever my sister and I get the rare opportunities to watch TV in our living room and my grandparents are actually not there (whether they're in another room in the house or just not home), I still feel like I am borrowing my own living room. And it's ours. Shouldn't it be the other way around because they don't live here?
That happened today. As soon as my grandfather walked in the living room as my sister and I watched Friends, we quickly walked out. I was about to change to channel to the Filipino one, but he said "no" then asked "Aren't you guys watching anymore?" I replied with a "no", because I knew that as soon as my grandfather gets in the living room, my grandmother isn't far behind him (she just walks really slow) and as soon as she gets there, we need to leave anyway. At least my grandfather knows what Friends is. As in, the TV show.
I went back to my room, pissed off. Not at my grandfather. My grandmother, as it's always been. She's the one that keeps insisting to watch TV all day long during their three-month long holiday. And it's not even Australian television. I mean, imagine me going to Italy but only staying at the hotel watching Home and Away all day long? That's a pretty good comparison to what my grandmother is doing. And she has costed our family over $1000 on things we bought for her, plus hospital bills that came useless anyway because when she went to the hospital and when they did tests on her, there was nothing wrong with her at all. My sister, who needs a Mac book for school because their school is a Mac school and are gonna be doing majority of their work in their school website, isn't getting one anymore because we've spent too much money already. My dad's barely gone to work because my grandmother hates it when he's not around. My family's running out of money. When I think about it, the entire thing makes me cry. My sister is still sick with that virus I was talking about in that last post. I don't know how I can keep something so negative and stressful in me.
Sometimes I wish I could verbally tell someone what I'm going through, but I don't really know what to say. When I get the opportunity to, I get lost for words. I guess this is one of the main reasons why I blog. If you know me, you know I can be extremely talkative. I really am. I'm loud, rowdy and talkative. But when it comes to serious stuff, stuff that's been bothering my mind, it's really hard for me to eloquently and clearly explain myself.
This is why I just can't bear to hope that things will get better situation-wise. I just keep hoping and praying that it's me that will change instead. Things will be so much easier that way. When I walked back to my room from the living room to leave Friends, I soon realised how selfish I was. Because it's just TV. Yes, I'm upset that my sister and I have felt like we haven't had TV privileges for the past months and it's actually our TV they're watching on and not theirs. But so what? Being upset over something like this, in the end, just seems plainly shallow. And maybe. MAYBE. It's not just the TV, the sicknesses and the loss of money. I still agree that some of them are still plainly unfair. And my perspective on my grandmother isn't gonna change. I still think she's been a very selfish, inconsiderate woman. And I can't change that. But I can change myself, and things may get considerably better too if that happens. This isn't about being the bigger person. It's just about having a good and right perspective on the problem. And I'm still praying to God that He won't just get me through this, but my entire family. Heal their sicknesses from the stress, make our financial situation better, pick us back up again exactly the way we were before my grandparents arrived.
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